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You’ve probably heard that saying: “Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.” Well, it makes sense. You end up buyin’ all kinds of junk food that looks yummy, or buyin’ way more than you planned on.

Which reminds me of that time I went to a liquor store sober.

Dude. Big mistake. (“Awww, man, gotta get me some of this vodka. And this gin. Get some gin. Ooooo, tequila, get that.”)

Well, wouldn’t you know it, just the other day I walked into Book People here in Austin…. and I walked in stupid. Because there is so much that I don’t know, well, suddenly I’m reachin’ for every stinkin’ book on the shelves.

(“Gotta get me the new Seth Godin book. Oh, man, and lookit this new Gladwell title, ‘Outliers.’ He’s so smart, gotta git that.”)

Man oh man, I nearly flattened the embossed numbers on my Mastercard.

You know what might cure me of this book problem?

The new Kindle. Reason I say that is because the Kindle ads promise it can store 3,500 titles. Three thousand five hundred titles?

Here’s the thing. I’m a pretty fast reader. On vacation, I can put away about a book a day. But even at my best, … 3,500 titles? Polishing off that digital bookshelf would take nine and a half years of constant speed reading. Even Evelyn Wood, the speed-reading queen, man, at around book #1,954 … wouldn’t she just blow up?

Do I really need to carry 3,500 books on vacation? A guy named Barry Schwarz wrote a cool book called The Paradox of Choice. His main thesis: “We assume that more choice means greater satisfaction when it fact it means less.” He posits that a massive number of things to choose from can make a person feel bewildered, then anxious, and ultimately less satisfied after taking a purchase decision.

I think I know what Mr. Schwarz’s talkin’ about. Can you imagine if the first iPod’s commercials promised “A Trillion Songs In Your Pocket.” Man, I’d just tip over at the concept of a mathematical eternity burnin’ a hole in my pocket. I’d blow up.

Don’t get me wrong, I happen to love my e-reader (an iPad). But I don’t think the main promise of a Kindle or an iPad is Brobdingnagian memory. Just gimme a digital L.L.Bean-tote’s-worth of titles. Just enough books to get me through the Labor Day weekend.

It’s been awhile since a really great book on advertising came out. I kinda think you have to put this new book in that category.

This isn’t the usual lightweight fluffy crap that passes for an educational text. (“Creativity is good!” … bitch, pleeease.)

Deborah Morrison, in addition to being an extremely nice person, is the Godmother of all advertising students here in Austin. She’s one of the people responsible for making UT at Austin one of the very very few colleges that crank out students ready to hire. (She’s now sprinkling the same magic dust on students at the University of Oregon.)

I do not know W. Glenn Griffin, but between the two of them, they’ve created a really smart new take on the creative process. They interviewed a whole bunch of us knuckleheads in the business and asked us to draw, write, or otherwise describe in some detail the process by which we actually come up with ideas. There is no “Isn’t creativity wonderful?” crap-ola here.

Of course when the book arrived, as any creative would do, I whipped it open to my part. Looking at it now, I wished I’d done a new process-visual for Deborah. The one I gave her is kind of an old one and is very print-based. On second thought, print — with its simple white canvas and humble two dimensions — print is actually a pretty good starting place to talk about the creative process. Oh, well. I’m a loser. What’re ya gonna do?

Go buy it.

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One note (of the whining variety): They mistakenly give me credit as the creative director of the ad on page 144. The credit for that One Show medal-winning piece belongs to Alon Shoval of The Martin Agency.

“All art is theft.” That’s a Picasso quotation, I believe. (That or he stole it from somewhere.)

I sometimes read how one agency accuses another for stealing an idea. And while this probably  happens from time to time, more often than not the similarity between the two pieces of creative is incidental; some minor format or architectural detail.

“Hey, wait a goll-darn minute! We already did an ad with a guy in it!”

I’m wondering if we need to be nicer to each other about this kinda stuff. Agreed, real concept thieves ought to be pilloried in the town square. But when the similarities between two pieces of creative are incidental to the main idea, I think it’s time for a CTFD pill. (Private joke with my friend John: “Calm The Fuck Down.”)

As an example, let’s talk about similar formats in radio commercials. Today I’ve posted four radio spots that all use phones. (“Hey, we had a phone in our spot, dammit!”)

The thing is, there’s nothing wrong with using a common format, like a phone call or a man-on-the-street gig ….  if –  key word –  if you do something new and wonderful with it.

For starters, check out this great spot for truth®. (All four spots can be heard by clicking “Four Cool Radio Spots” over there on the right, or the tab up top.) Yes, it’s another phone call concept but what makes this one cool is that it’s an actual phone call to an actual cigarette company.

The thing is, it’s not like the set-up of two people on a phone is allowed just one use. As my friend Andy Ellis says, “Dude, it’s not a piñata.” The sad part is spots as good as this are often shot down in award shows because one of the judges just has to be the first cool guy to mumble, “Heard it.” (Two rings of the phone and he’s “heard it.”)

Okay, check out this other great phone-call spot for Volkswagen. Starts with the same ring but where it goes is what makes it so delightful. I can just picture this knucklehead driving his Jetta somewhere in the clouds. (If I may critique, I wish the actress had sounded a little more like a real person. She sounds too polished.)

Okay, in fairness, here’s a chance to criticize my work. I did these next two spots, both of which  feature phone-answering services. One’s for Miller Lite beer and the other for a teeny client we had at Fallon, Dunwoody Technical Institute in Minneapolis.

You may think they both suck. (One of ‘em actually won $20k in the Mercury’s.) And even if you do think they suck, I’ll bet you’ll agree that they’re significantly different pieces of creative that, even played back to back, send the listener to different places.

I hope I’ve made my point here. You are, of course, free to disagree. Overall, though, I say we oughta go easier on each other about this “stolen creative” stuff. Save it for when someone actually steals your idea, not your sound effects.

As long as there are carpenters, lifeguards, and cars, there’s gonna be radio.

Even if the day comes when the internet gets wired directly into our brains, anybody who can write a great radio spot will probably have a job somewhere in this business.

I love radio. And starting today, I’ll be featuring some of my favorite radio campaigns here on heywhipple. com. Let’s start with the famous campaign that London’s Leagas Delaney did for Phillips Electronics (TVs and VCRs).  The work is now some 25 years old, but the spots still kill me to this day. I have included a few of them here for your review. (Go to the tabs at top or side, labeled Radio Campaign of the Week.)

Listen first to the spot called “Phirrips.” (And if you’re wondering, my answer is no, I don’t care that it’s politically incorrect. It’s funny.) Back in ’99, London’s Campaign magazine named ”Phirrips” the Best Radio Spot of All Time.

In this spot, an idiot walks into a store insisting on Japanese technology and the salesperson makes fun of him. (Would any client anywhere do this today? I hope you’re out there.) From there, the campaign marches off in all directions.

• Two idiots talk about Phillips in fake and fractured French.

• Two idiots accuse Phillips of being a faceless corporation pushing their products on a helpless public.

• A salesperson beats around the bush about how expensive a Phillips TV is.

• Two burglars announce they’re stealing Phillips TVs exclusively.

• Two Phillips spokesmen peal with evil laughter at their competitors’ sinking sales.

• Two guys talk about Phillips products for sixty seconds, never once mentioning what the brand is or the product is.

• An idiot tells a customer not to buy a Phillips VCR because all electronics will be obsolete within 2 weeks.

• And in the spot called “You’re So Clever,” the two idiots go on and on about … God, I can’t begin to explain how stupid and cool this last spot is.

If there’s a concept behind the spots listed here, well, I don’t see it. Listen to them and you may agree there’s no campaign superstructure; no “big idea” such as, say, Bud’s “Real American Heroes.” Still if you listen to the spots one after another, their common lineage is apparent.

If they have any “platform,” I guess I’d call it the ol’ Two Guys Being Funny gig. Yes, there’s a common sign-off treatment; and the voiceovers are similar. Other than that, all that’s going on here is two guys being funny; not so much a concept as it is an executional architecture, right? Yet because of the consistent brilliance of the writing and the extraordinary comic timing of the actors (Griff Rhys Jones and Mel Smith), these one-off’s are indeed very much a campaign.

I have this theory about radio, one I’m pretty sure no one will buy. Because the idea runs counter to everything I’ve learned about how advertising works in every other medium. It’s the idea that radio may be the only medium where one-shots aren’t such a bad idea. I know, I know, branding heresy. I mean, who’d suggest stringing together a bunch of one-off print ads and calling it a campaign?

Yet in radio, I have no problem simply doing the funniest or most interesting damn thing I can, “campaign structure” be damned. Yes, when you’re brilliant enough to create a campaign with a portable reusable structure like “Real American Heroes,” by all means go for it. But to insist that every radio campaign have this same sort of repeatable campaign structure, I could argue that’s a case of good getting in the way of great.

I’m probably wrong about this but I have to tell you, not only do I love this Phillips stuff, the best radio campaign I think I ever wrote worked pretty much the same way — a bunch of one shots that all hammered home the same one or two key points. I’ll post that campaign soon. When I do, you may think I’m kidding myself about this or you may just think they suck.

Yet in spite of my misgivings about this heresy, I stand by this thought.

Radio is just … different.

“Life Is Too Short To Accept Brutal Creative Directors.”

In which we have a short but vigorous discussion about creative directors who act out on their childhood issues by brutalizing and traumatizing other creative people. I myself have been fortunate to have had a long career and never been abused by the caprice and arrogance of a brutal creative director. But they are out there. Please join me in my fervent hope that a print-out of this column finds its way onto every one of their polished marble desktops.

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The creative director enters the room. Finally.

His untroubled gait belies the fact that he’s fully 35 minutes late. After setting down his mocha-decaff latte he begins to stare grimly at the ideas tacked up on the wall. He brushes his pony-tail off of his shoulder. He sneers, rips an idea off the wall, crumples and drops it to the floor.

He then dispenses what he calls creative direction. To his little clutch of scribblers he gives this helpful and articulate re-direction.

“It’s crap.”

Now he’s working his way down the bulletin board and the campaigns begin to die like soldiers in front of the guns of Gallipoli, in wave after wave. Accompanying the death of each idea comes similarly helpful creative advice:

“Crap.”

“Bitch, pleeease.”

“Like I’d do that.”

And finally the wall is bare. No ideas are good enough for his majesty. As he takes leave, over his shoulder he quips, “I’ll know it when I see it, people.” No discussion about what was right about the work, what was wrong. And though his title is Creative Director, there is no direction given to creative.

As Stephen King said, it’s just a shame the things you see when you don’t have a gun handy.

Okay, this Latte-Ponytail Guy, he’s just one kind of brutal creative director but these dickheads come in different flavors. The worst ones actually berate and browbeat creatives, bludgeoning them with words that serve to improve neither the work nor morale.

And when their words do in fact improve the creative, these guys will defend their behavior by describing it as “brutally honest.” Unfortunately, all that the employees remember is the brutality, not the honesty.

Imagine how stupid this kind of brutality would look if we could see it in some other venue.

CUT TO McDONALD’S MANAGER DRESSING DOWN A NEW EMPLOYEE.

“Hey, I didn’t get to wear this red paper Manager’s hat by makin’ milkshakes as crappy as this!”

Why advertising creates so many of these tinpot dictators is a mystery. What pray tell warrants any kind of arrogance at all? Dude, this is advertising. You’re not pullin’ babies out of burning buildings. You’re not curing cancer or making peace. You make commercials for cry-eye. Websites. End-aisle displays. Jesus.

If I could get one of these guys alone, my speech might go like this.

Dude, sit down. And toss that fuckin’ latte. Listen, I don’t care …. I said zip it, Pony-Tail. … I don’t care that you were once on a “big Volvo shoot” with Robert Goulet. I don’t care you won an award that one time. I don’t care that you wear sunglasses indoors. The thing is, none of that crap gives you the permission to treat people poorly. Somewhere along the line, dude, you seem to have gotten the idea that establishing a high bar means you can whack people with it.

In a recent post about good creative directors on the Denver Egoist, I read this:

“You don’t get people to want to work harder for you by shouting, … abusing and humiliating. Motivation comes from a place of respect and trust. Good creative directors will want you to do well for you, not for them. They instill in you the kind of passion and drive that makes an eight-hour day become a 13-hour day. If your CD’s idea of motivation is to threaten you with pay cuts, demotions, crappy accounts or losing your job, you don’t want to work for that CD any more. … Sure, you’ll work for the asshole for as long as it takes you to find another job, but word will soon spread that the CD is a raging dick, and the agency will find it more and more difficult to hire genuinely good creative talent.”

My advice?

If you work for a dick-tator, drop a dime on him or her and let H.R. know. If you can get another job, do it and do it fast. And on your way out, spread the word. This isn’t gossip. You’re providing a valuable service to your creative brethren by putting up a warning sign: “Steer Clear. Toxic Dickweed Ahead.”

One of the reasons I love advertising is it gets you on the inside of so many different kinds of businesses.

I have watched how Twinkies are made, toyed with the controls of the Goodyear blimp, explored the back hallways of a Norwegian Cruise Line ship, and had a man in a white coat at Purina explain to me with a straight face the difference between a “kibble” and a “bit”

THE CLIENT

Of them all, the strangest business I ever had the pleasure of exploring after hours was The Mütter Museum. Located at 19 South 22nd Street in Philly, the Mütter Museum began life in 1858 as a medical education facility. Today the structure still stands but houses instead a brooding collection of medical oddities, anatomical and pathological specimens, wax models, and creepy antique medical equipment – a list I’m tempted to end with the lyric of that song, “these are a few of my faaaaavorite things.”

I’d read about this fascinating place several times and one day when things were slow at my agency, I decided to board a plane and visit the nice lady there who’d answered my emails, Ms. Gretchen Worden.

Over several trips to Philadelphia in 1999, I spent many delightful hours down in her dimly lit basement office chatting with this marvelous woman who was part professor, part historian, and part Stephen King. Sadly, Ms. Worden passed away in 2004. In fact, I heard about her passing only by chance while reading Sarah Vowell’s great book Assassination Vacation. Ms. Vowel, too, had travelled far to meet this woman who was a frequent guest on The Late Show with David Letterman displaying, said the New York Times, “a mischievous glee as she frightened him with human hairballs and wicked-looking Victorian surgical tools, only to disarm him with her antic laugh.”

As we chatted in her office, surrounded by shelves piled high with curiosities and objet d’creepy, she seemed happy someone had come along to help her promote the museum which her efforts eventually turned into a national visitors center.

What delighted me most about Gretchen was how she could move between being a horrified giggling rubbernecker and being the loving and respectful curator of this strange world of human pain. In a New York Times interview she said, “While these bodies may be ugly, there is a terrifying beauty in the spirits of those forced to endure these afflictions.”

Gretchen, I miss you. Thank you for inviting me into your dark and beautiful home.

THE WORK

“There are jars of preserved human kidneys and livers, and a man’s skull so eaten away by tertiary syphilis that it looks like pounded rock. There are dried severed hands shiny as lacquered wood, showing their veins like leaves; a distended ovary larger than a soccer ball; spines and leg bones so twisted by rickets they’re painful just to see; the skeleton of a dwarf who stood 3 feet 6 inches small, next to that of a giant who towered seven and a half feet. And ‘Jim and Joe,’ the green-tinted corpse of a two-headed baby, sleeping in a bath of formaldehyde.” –New York Times, 9/30/2005

Here’s the thing. If you can’t make a couple of cool posters working with a product like this, hang it up, dude.

In fact, a quick aside if I may?

Let’s agree that doing advertising for “clients” like this is fun. Let’s agree that it’s a lot easier than real advertising where there are no committees to sell through, no quarterly sales goals, and no shareholders. But to nerdy creative geeks such as myself, projects like these are a joy to work on because they allow us to show off a little bit; to have some fun.

Let’s also agree that work for “clients” like this has, of recent, muddied the waters of award shows competing as they sometimes do with legitimate paying accounts. Let’s hope that someday award shows will figure out how to celebrate the creativity of these one-offs without pitting them against real work.

That said…here are the five posters we did for Ms. Worden and her Mütter Museum. I say “we”  only because I was the creative director (traveling sales guy and account person). The real work was done by the talented Atlanta team of writer Scott Biear and art director Clay Davies. The photos were a donation, courtesy of Andrew Zuckerman.

In the end, we didn’t have to worry whether our fake-client work displaced any real-client work from the award shows. They never got in; not in a single show. Perhaps the judges were tired of seeing work like this. Or perhaps the work simply isn’t as cool as I think it is.

In any case, Scott, Clay and I, we have no regrets. We had fun doin’ it. And here I am eleven years later fondly remembering both the work and the lady we did it for, Ms. Gretchen Worden.

HEADLINE: Group tours are welcome and for the squeamish, strongly encouraged.,

HEADLINE: We won't be opening a theme restaurant anytime soon.

HEADLINE: We're not open at night. That's probably a good thing.

HEADLINE: We'd display a Van Gogh if we could get our hands on his ear.

HEADLINE: Asking people not to touch the displays hardly seems necessary.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a torture dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look through the bars of your little window and think, “Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in that.”

–From “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”

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I remember a time early in my career when I had serious “Fallon McElligott envy.”

Nowadays, of course, there are other kinds of envy – take your pick: Crispin envy; Wieden envy. For me, back in the early ‘80s, it was Fallon envy. This condition made me kind of a pain in the ass to be around, because I would bring up my admiration for that agency at pretty much every opportunity.

It was worst on days when things weren’t going my way. If an ad of mine didn’t sell, I’d whine, “Man, I bet they woulda sold it at Fallon.” If I saw a great Fallon campaign in a magazine, I’d flog my own agency by saying, “Man, there’s no way we coulda sold that ad at this agency.” If I was put on some little low-budget job, this too was cause for keening, “Man, if I was at Fallon I wouldn’t have to work on stupid crap like this.”

It has been said that whining is simply anger coming through a very small hole. As much as I hate to admit it, I was once a whiner. (But I had to, don’t you see? Because everything sucked except me. Clients sucked. Research sucked. Account people sucked. Right? Am I right?)

There are a lot of whiners in the agency business. I’m not sure why this is so but that’s my take on it anyway. Here’s the thing: can you imagine if agency whiners started turning up in other lines of work?

CUT TO WHINER DOING SURGERY IN AN OPERATING ROOM.

“Man, if I were at the Mayo Clinic, I’d be doin’ something besides these stupid fibrosarcomas.”

CUT TO WHINING NUCLEAR PHYSICIST.

“Man, the particle beam accelerator over at MIT is so much better than this piece of crap.”

CUT TO A WHINER AT A SHOE STORE.

“Man, I should get a job over at Foot Locker. Those guys are so good. This place sucks.”

My guess is that if we overheard whiners in other lines of work goin’ on like this, we’d just slap ‘em into next Tuesday. We’d wanna yell, “Then quit, you knucklehead. No one’s holdin’ a gun at your head.”

In my defense, I don’t whine as much these days. Part of what cured me is that eventually I did land a job at Fallon and worked there for ten years. To my horror I discovered there was stupid crap to deal with at Fallon, just like everywhere else. And so it goes. Even today, I have friends at Crispin who, in hushed whispers over the phone, tell me “Man, this place is so screwed up.”

Maybe what makes advertising such a perfect storm for the creation of whining is this: I read somewhere that every company in the world is broken in some way; basic faults run through every company that make working there way harder than it has to be. Which means our problem in advertising is we work in a broken company for another broken company. Like tectonic plates crushing against each other, these pressures result in volcanoes and earthquakes but of the whining variety.

You probably know a whiner. I encourage you to keep your distance because their effect is fairly poisonous. It’s hard enough to keep your spirits up in this business. Having someone draped over the chair in your office whining about how bad things are, it’s not good for the spirit.

(This article sucks. I bet if I wrote for Mashable’s blog I’d be writing really good stuff.)

What follows is one of the single most interesting passages I’ve read in my 50-some years of reading. It’s from a marvelous book called 1939: The Lost World of The Fair, by David Gerlernter.

It paints a picture of an America that no longer exists.

“Question: What is wrong with this picture? [Rhetorical; there was no actual picture in the book.] It appeared in a 1939 survey of New York City: a construction site with pedestrians walking past in front, leafy trees and apartment buildings to the rear. Painted on the fence around part of the work site are the words ‘DYNAMITE STORED HERE – DANGER EXPLOSIVES DANGER.’ It is a tall, solid board fence. But there is no barbed wire, no policeman; Women and children [walk] by a fenced-off magazine of high explosives,” the caption reads.

I find this observation amazing.

To think that there was actually a time when you could safely store dynamite in an unprotected shack in New York City; and to feel so certain of the character of your fellow Americans that a simple danger sign would be sufficient to keep people away. It’s hard to believe such a world ever existed but clearly there was some social force in play that kept this dynamite safe. This force, Gerlernter proposes, was the fact that in 1939 “people lived in an ‘Ought’ culture.”

Such a marvelous insight, and all gleaned from one photograph in a yellowing magazine – America as an “Ought culture.” We ought to eat our vegetables. We ought to doff our hats in the presence of ladies. We ought to report neighbors who we suspect of communism.

Later on Gerlernter expands the definition to what I’d describe as “Authority culture.” In fact, it’s arguable the entire period from ‘30s through the early ‘60s was all Authority culture. Citizens trusted authority entirely, wherever it was; in a corporation; in a policeman’s uniform; or just the voice over the radio. (“Hold on, ladies and gents! I’ve just received this important telegram!”)

For purposes of discussion, I tender here a few advertisements typical of the times, copied from my collection of old magazines. I regard advertisements like these as windows into the soul of the times; emotional Polaroids of ancient evenings; the zeitgeist in rotogravure.

Note how Plymouth baldly states – with neither hesitation nor proof – that big-ass cars are glamorous. Saying it’s so, makes it so. General Electric decides for us that spring has a new color. And don’t  get me started on this ad for Gaylord shaving supplies ad. I will however also note that illustration seemed to be the preferred visual style of the ‘40s through the ‘60s. Screw photography; illustrations let advertisers show life the way they wanted it to be and showing it so, of course, made it so. All three also feature exclamation points. Hey, when you’re an authority, you shout your orders.

Simply running an ad in a magazine made you an authority. (“See, honey, it’s printed right here. In a magazine!”) A cigarette ad could claim there wasn’t “a cough in a car load.” The government could deny radioactive iodine 131 was in the nation’s milk supply. Facts didn’t count. Authority did.

Pick up an old magazine sometime and see if you don’t agree; almost every ad and every article feels like a pronouncement from an authority.

Sometime in the mid-‘50s, however, this omnipresent voice of authority started to lose its credibility. How this came to be is perhaps a story for another day, but it happened. Somewhere in the cultural whirlwind of the times (the dethroning of McCarthyism, the quiz show scandals, the arms build-up), Americans developed the ability to be skeptical; to doubt; to question authority.

For my generation, I’ll wager many of us date the last days of unquestioned authority with the Vietnam war – its final public humiliation, the resignation of Dick Nixon. America finally had evidence – on tape even – that authority could be more than just wrong, it could be corrupt.

FROM AUTHORITY TO AUTHENTICITY.

Let’s turn the yellowed magazine page now to the year 2010.

Imagine we were to run that Plymouth ad in next week’s Time magazine. I’ll bet that even if we updated the ad’s look and feel, its presumptuous tone (“Big is glamorous, dammit!”) would still make today’s readers snicker at its authoritarian cluelessness. We simply wouldn’t get away with it today. It is a different America now.

We’ve become a nation of eye-rollers and skeptics. We scarcely believe anything we hear in the media any more and marketers can’t make things true simply by saying they’re true.

So, what I’m wondering today is this: where people once looked to authority to tell them what was true and wasn’t true, perhaps what people look for today is authenticity.

Merriam-Webster says something is authentic when it actually is what it’s claimed to be. Which makes authenticity in advertising an especially tricky proposition given that advertising is at its heart self-promotion and driven by an agenda. And yet while Americans today are suspicious of anyone with an agenda, being authentic doesn’t always require the absence of an agenda, only transparency about it.

Admitting that your commercial is a paid message with an agenda is one way to disarm distrust. Under-promising and over-delivering is another. Even self-deprecation can help establish authenticity; VW’s “It’s ugly but it gets you there” being perhaps the most memorable example.

DDB’s early Avis work was similarly authentic whether it was admitting to shortcomings (“We’re only #2.”) or giving customers with complaints  the CEO’s actual phone number.

In my opinion, Canadian Club’s masterful print series is an excellent modern example of an advertiser leveraging reality, warts-and-all, to sell its wares. An unapologetic statement of “Damn right your Dad drank it” coupled with images of ‘70s dads (somehow still cool in their bad haircuts and paneled basements) leveraged authenticity instead of authority.

So too does a marvelous campaign for Miller High Life. Here the beer truck delivery guy takes back cases of his beer from snooty people who aren’t truly appreciating the Miller High Life. Grumbling on his way out the door of some hoity-toity joint (“$11.95 for a hamburger? Y’all must be crazy.”), he is himself a spokesman for authenticity.

But even with these good examples of authentic messaging, it’s now time to question the supremacy of the format itself – that of paid messaging. It worked fine in the ‘50s when TV was new and citizens were happy to listen to the man tell them Anacin worked fast-fast-fast.

But everything is different in 2010. As Ed Boches said, “In an age when the manufacturer, publisher, broadcaster and programmer have lost power to the consumer, reader, viewer and user, … the power of controlled messages has lost its impact.”

AUTHENTICITY IS THE WALK, NOT THE TALK.

It may be getting to the point now where marketers can’t make anything happen by employing messaging alone, no matter how authentic. Doc Searles, co-author of The Cluetrain Manifesto, agrees, stating that a brand isn’t what a brand says but what it does. What all this suggests is that perhaps the best way to influence behavior and opinion in the year 2010 is to do things as well as just say them.

Where it once served our clients to make “claims” on their behalf, it may be better now to do things that are less claim-based and more action-based, or reality-based, or more experiential – to demonstrate in the ad itself a brand’s promise or a product’s benefit.

For example, a print ad promising that VW is a fun brand, well, that’s nice. But bringing this claim to life with a subway stairwell of working piano keys was more powerful in a number of ways. Instead of making some happy claim about an emotion, it created the emotion right there on the stairs. And of course there’s the P.R. talk value of such an interesting execution.

I’m reminded also of Denny’s offer to America: a free breakfast during a recession. This is an event as much as it is paid messaging, and America took them up on it. Also from Goodby came the Hyundai Assurance Program, which allowed customers who bought a new Hyundai to return it if they lost their job within the year. These are not ads so much as they are events. They are not “claims,” they’re actions.

In the end, these musings suggest several possibilities.

• Marketers cannot simply list a product’s benefits and tell customers why they should want it. It doesn’t work very well anymore.

• Persuading a nation of eye-rollers requires a message, tone, or platform that is authentic.

• No matter how authentic your message, you cannot become X by saying you are X. You must actually be X. So, after you figure out what your brand needs to say, figure out what it needs to do.

• Same thing with customers: after you figure out what you want customers to think, what is it you want them to do?

• Similarly, don’t try to tell customers how they’re going to feel. Help them actually experience the emotion.

The bottom line:
Brand actions speak louder than words.
Brand experiences speak louder than ads.
Walk beats talk.

BIG PHILOSOPHICAL CLOSING

My college psychology professor once wrote on the board, “Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.” It means the life of the individual organism is often reflected in the life of the species.

I confess I see in my own life a similar pattern of authority-to-authenticity. As a child, I blindly ascribed authority to many things (first was my parents; second, the Beatles) and in so doing came to know the world. But as I grew up, black-and-white authority became nuanced with the greys of authenticity.

Perhaps the nation grew up the same way.

We don’t need Dad-Brands anymore, wagging their fingers at us with nothing by way of proof beyond “Because I said so.”

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

I got some much-needed advice on this essay from the delightful and brainy Nicole McKinney here at GSD&M.

Boring TV commercials loaded down with too much detail remind me of that poor donkey you always see in old Westerns.

You know the one — the sad beast way at the back of the wagon train.

With 200 pounds on its back: gold ore, sleeping bags, guns, clanking pans and bottles of liquor, pick axes, spare boots, and everything else the cowboys could throw on.

Once fully loaded, the skinny thing was slapped on its behind and forced to carry up a cliff what was basically the complete inventory of a Home Depot.

When I see a commercial being mistreated this way, I just look the other way. It’s too hard to look at. And don’t we all do this? Just sorta . . . look away?

We pay no attention to these burdened and broken little things because
. . . well, they bore us. These arthritic critters that hobble onto our TV
screens, their knees wobbling under the weight of the entire
product line-up, shots of the storefront, the showroom, and the top five items on sale — they’re boring. We avert our eyes and look away.

But how do these crimes, these abominations that happen right on prime-time television, how do they go so unnoticed? Especially when you consider how noisy they are.

The cruel “Voice-over Man” starts barking orders the instant the Thirty clanks onto the screen.  “Do this. Mention that. Tote that bale.” Why doesn’t anyone see it all happen? It’s as if it’s invisible.

Loaded high and wide with a clanking pile of product features and co-op logos, these insensate beasts lurch drunkenly onto our TV screens and are then flogged in public for a full thirty seconds. Lash after lash, they suffer the entirety of their short half-minute of life, bearing the full inventory of every showroom . . . and oh, how they suffer. Watching this, we suffer, too.

And as we suffer, we become bored and fall asleep.

Perhaps to shield us from this spine-snapping load of detail and dreck, the Sweet Chariot of Morpheus swings low and sweeps us away. Narcotized by the drone of the Constantly-Talking-Man, we ride off on gossamer wing to a sleepy, happy place where things are interesting and men do not read us brochures.

Yet, while we slumber, the poor beast lurches on. It begins to bleat for our attention. Sometimes it even walks up to the glass of the TV screen itself, its sad donkey eyes peering out into our warm and interesting living rooms. But we are not there to greet it. We are asleep on the couch, our mouths open and limbs akimbo, our bag of Chee-tos on our chests, rising and falling.

Twenty-eight long seconds pass. The wretched little commercial has
wobbled its iron load almost to the end, when the cowardly off-screen Voice-over Man does his most wicked work.

Onto the beast’s concave licorice-stick of a back he heaps additional weight: a localized price, two addresses, a phone number, and sometimes even a “violator.” In the worst case of abuse I’ve seen, three overweight salesmen piled onto the tail end of a Thirty and actually started waving at the camera.

Can we put an end this inhumanity? Yes.

First, we must insist on “cruelty-free” commercials. And second, we must vow not to buy products advertised on the bent backs of these suffering animals. And finally, we must agree not to let our good clients besmirch their own name by torturing any Thirty on their behalf.

Remember, a Thirty is capable of carrying a branding message and a retail message. But use restraint. Let your Thirty carry only what you need to get a client’s point across.

A final word: If you see an abused commercial, by all means put it out of its misery with quick mute button between the eyes.

*********************

This is an excerpt from my book, Hey Whipple, Squeeze This. Sorry to be pulling stuff out of the archives, but am still recovering from knee surgery. Back soon.

A very happy Arty Tan with Julie Ruddy during a Fallon creative retreat in 1990.

Recently I posted a short piece about all the wildly talented people I worked with during my ten years at Fallon in Minneapolis. That got me to wondering what I’d find if I dug around in my photo files. Had a great time doing just that and  have posted about 100 pictures from the pile. No big deal or anything. Just a bunch of photos of all the wonderful knuckleheads I used to work with from ’88 to ’98. They’re on my Flickr account in a special album called “Fallon Memories.”

Just click here.

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