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Scenes From A Marketing Intervention on Subway Sandwiches.

Nov 4th, 2012 by

OH, SUBWAY, WHEN YOU COMIN' HOME?

Several years ago, I wrote an article for Adweek about the addiction some clients have to promotions at the expense of their branding.

“Should we throw out promotions and go cold turkey?” I asked.  “Of course not. In the retail world, promotions are an essential part of the marketing mix. What I’m suggesting is, first an intervention, and then partial withdrawal.”

Today, I think it’s time we intervene on Subway sandwiches.

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OPEN ON JOHN X, SUBWAY’S CHIEF MARKETING OFFICER, OPENING THE DOOR TO SOME DINGY ROOM AT A HAMPTON INN.

INSIDE, HE’S SURPRISED TO SEE A GROUP OF 400 PEOPLE SITTING ON COUCHES, ALL WITH CONCERNED LOOKS.

INTERVENTION MANAGER: Hello John, these people here love your brand a lot and they don’t want to see you killing it anymore.

JOHN, SITTING DOWN: But …

MANAGER: With us today are representatives of the 300 agencies you’ve burned through on your promotional binge. Plus a hundred or so creatives who threw a year of their careers away hoping they might be the one to get you to stick with a decent campaign.

CREATIVE DIRECTOR #1: John, your promotions have affected the brand in the following negative ways. (HE STARTS BLUBBERING) I was up all night going through the YouTube collection of your crappy spots and I’ve never seen you commit to anything.

JOHN: Yeah, but I have all these franchisees who…

CD #1, GETS KLEENEX, CONTINUES: I saw some remarkably stupid shit with people holding up “five fingers for the $5 footlong.” And I cannot count how many idiotic spots I saw with sports figures – John Cena, Michael Phelps, some boxer named Mike Lee. Who the hell is Mike Lee?

CREATIVE DIRECTOR #2: I was so hopeful when you let our agency air the fat-people-eating-burgers stuff, but the next thing we knew, you were whoring around with that “Febru-ANY” campaign. And what happened with that marvelous “Badonka-donk” radio stuff?

JOHN: What about Jared? Whenever we ran him, sales went up.

CD#1: Then fine, stick with Jared but at least do something interesting with him, instead of the insipid, brainless, promotional crap you air.  What are you on, crack?  Jesus, Bob.

MANAGER: Calm down now. … So, Bob. What’s it gonna be? Can you commit to a good mix of brand and promo?  Can you find even a … a decent brand campaign and then really stick with it? And maybe cut back from 600 agencies to five or so?

JOHN: I… I…

THE SUBWAY CMO LEAPS FROM THE COUCH, RUNS,  THE CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM TO THROUGH THE HALLS DOWN TO THE PARKING LOT WHERE WE JARED WAITING FOR HIM IN A CAR. THEY PEEL RUBBER AND DISAPPEAR IN A CLOUD OF BLUE SMOKE.

INTERVENTION MANAGER: Well, he’s on his own. I hope when he wakes up as the assistant product manager for some third-tier regional brand of acne cream, that he’ll finally get it. That he’ll finally see how brand will get you through times of no promotion better than promotions will get you through times of no brand.

 

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Posted in Advertising, Commentary, Creativity, General Crankiness | 3 Comments »

Is Your Ad Complete Bullshit? Try This Simple Test.

Oct 24th, 2012 by

Your Bullshit Laboratory

Most of us grow up with pretty finely tuned bullshit detectors. The thing is, this technology is getting better every day.

In fact, over the years, I think bullshit-detection technology has more than kept pace with computer technology, to the degree that kids today have BS detectors picking up readings as low as one-part-bullshit-in-a-million.

Interestingly, many of these same kids – these wonderful cynical rebels – will, when asked to create advertising, revert quickly to bullshit. They aren’t stupid. They’ve simply grown up listening to all the horrible advertising out there and, hey, when you grow up in France, you speak French.

This is why I ask beginning students to forget every single thing they think they know about advertising and keep only their disdain for most of it. I ask them to be honest and to just talk. Yes, I want them be interesting, to be funny, or dramatic, but to just talk; not bullshit.

As a test, I give students this process, one they can apply to their own work to see if it qualifies as bullshit.

Pretend you’re sitting next to some guy at a bar and you’re talking about the product you’re advertising which, today, let’s say it’s some chain restaurant. And this guy asks you, “So, tell me again why I should go to this place?” You take a big slug of beer, look ‘im in the eye, and you say….

“The flavors of ancient Italy will tantalize your nose and suddenly you’re in Rome.”

This is where he slugs you.  > POW! <

You’re on the floor lookin’ up wondering what just happened. Well, what happened is you decided your bar buddy was an idiot and he’d believe any insipid, bullshit cliché you come up with.

So, that’s my little test.

Look your best friend in the eye and speak your message. Can you say it with the same authenticity and unadorned honesty as you would tellin’ her what the weather is?

If you can, you’re not advertising. You’re just tellin’ someone about this cool thing you heard about. And what’s wrong with that?

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Posted in Advertising, General Crankiness | 11 Comments »

Trolls Are Internet Bullies and Cowards.

Oct 10th, 2012 by

Interesting sculpture. It's called the "Fremont Troll."

Recently, my friend over at AdLand (aka daBitch) posted a thoughtful essay about the mean-spiritedness of some of the discussions at popular advertising sites.  She wrote, “I’ve noticed an uptick of a particular style of comments recently. There are those who will jump to ‘you are bitter / you are a hater’ retort. Then there’s the ‘What work have you done?’ … retort.”

She was kind enough to ask me for my opinion. Here’s my edited version:

“Actually, the bitter/hater syndrome is not a child of the online ad industry. Everywhere, these people have a term: trolls. You know, those horrible acne-magnets that lurk under bridges in fairy tales.

I’ve done some reading about this phenomenon and if my memory serves, this anonymity is a result of how the internet was originally designed way back when they set it all up. And it is this anonymity that provides the bridge trolls now live under.

My hypothesis is that if you look at the sources of these mean-spirited remarks, 98% of them are posted anonymously. And my opinion is, they are all cowards. The anonymity allows them to spew their vitriol and poison without accountability.  

I think (as do many others) that if you have a strong opinion, you should stand behind it. Otherwise you’re not much different than the mean drunks who hide in the crowd at a football games and toss empty liquor bottles at refs for calls they don’t like.

On the other hand, anyone with personal integrity (and a wee bit of calcium in their spine) will publicly stand by and own an opinion they post, even if it’s an unpopular one.”

Because this is an internet phenomenon, the issue of trolls is in some ways new. On the other hand, it’s as old as the problem of schoolyard bullies. I would call these trolls the “bullies of the internet” were it not for the fact that even the most despicable schoolyard bully does not wear a ski mask.

On a recent page on the troll-packed site of AgencySpy, I saw this thread. We begin with a person who, posting under his real name, defended someone from a personal attack.

REAL PERSON WITH SPINE: “I hate people who write snide innuendos while hiding behind fake names. It will take more than the scurrilous accusations of a couple of mealy-mouthed twits who don’t have the wontons to post under their real names to convince me. [M]an up or shut up.”

We can talk about the unnecessary anger at another time. The point here is, at least this person posted under a real name. Then came the troll’s response.

TROLL HIDING BEHIND NAME OF “BRAZMANIAC”: “Fuck you and your fairytale platitudes.  I have news for you, it’s VERY easy to ‘man up’ and use your real name when you’re sycophantically praising a man you DON’T EVEN KNOW.  Hey, maybe he’ll see your name here, all shiny and sincere, and offer you a job!  Good luck with that.  In the meantime, people who have actually worked with [this person] have a few things to say. … I think protecting ones job and future is an excellent reason to maintain some anonymity.”

And there you have it – the classic, specious, and cowardly excuse.

In fact, this same reasoning can be used to excuse an attack on a retarded person. (“HEY ‘TARDO! Missing your brain?!?) Who would want to hire a person who makes such an attack? No one. Does that make it okay to do it anonymously?

This same reasoning can be used by the skulking drunk at a football game throwing the liquor bottle. He wants to hurt the ref but keep his job.

Bottom line is that trolls do not want to publicly stand by an opinion they have made public. And that is why they are bullies and cowards.

I conclude with three thoughts.

One: If you want to post an unpopular opinion, have at it. Sign your name and we’ll give you our attention.

Two: Opinions are one thing, ad hominem attacks are another. Attacking a person is low, and doing it anonymously is lower still; like being a hallway bully who wears a ski mask, pants the “gaywads” and then escapes in a waiting car.

Three: When we see bullying, we should fight back. This happens to be the NEA’s National Anti-Bullying Month and it’s a great time to do what a brave lady named Jennifer Livingston did. She’s a newscaster who received a vitriolic email telling her to lose some weight. And it is here I ask Mr. “Brazmaniac” and all trolls, bullies and cowards, if you want to see what having a spine looks like, watch this woman stand up to bullies like you.

If I got any of this wrong and you’d like to write to me and disagree, my email is heywhipple@me.com and my name is Luke Sullivan.

 

 

 

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Posted in Advertising, Commentary | 10 Comments »

Sullivan Named Most Influential Blogger of All Time. (This post has not been fact-checked.)

Oct 10th, 2012 by

Pleased and honored to be listed by Business Insider to be as one of the “15 Most Important Advertising Strategy Thinkers today, ranked by influence.” Look at some of the other cool folks on the list. Woo hoo.

Posted in Advertising | No Comments »

From Agency Spy, a delightful article: The Universal Cover Letter.

Sep 26th, 2012 by

Typically I stay away from Agency Spy. There’s a lot of fairly mean-spirited trolls trashing other people and their work. But I love this piece posted by Kiran Aditham:

Growing sick and tired of writing letters to recruiters, art director/designer Chris Vanderhurst decided to pen one “to rule them all” in his own words. Your end result, at least in text form, is what you see below. It may not do him any favors in reality, but it could at least break the ice. We say that the lad, a Notre Dame/Chicago Portfolio School alum, has the template pretty much nailed down.

Zany greeting no one uses in real life!

Introduction to myself in case you can’t read who this email is coming from. Brief background about myself because the only way I “know” you is by 5 degrees of LinkedIn separation.

Sentence full of innuendo that boils down to me being unemployed. Predictable comment about how your agency and me belong together, ignorant to the fact you are probably friends with several other recruiters I’m sending this exact letter to. Generic compliment that applies to every agency but, for the purposes of this email, “specifically” yours.

Let’s talk about me some more, because I’ve forgotten all of the following information is on my resume, which I made in Microsoft Word even though I call myself creative. I’ll make a list here in paragraph form, beginning with the college I went to that taught me nothing applicable to this position. This would be the perfect place for an unfunny joke about how good the football/basketball team is going to be this year! Giant stretch here talking about my experience, because this position I’m emailing about requires 3 more years of experience than I really have.

Here is where I mention the name of someone you actually may know in real life, who gave me his business card once in college. I hope the name drop makes you more likely to respond to me, but what I don’t know is that guy I just mentioned got let go 8 months ago. Plus, he was kind of a prick. It is now clear just how desperate I am.

A one word, drinking based farewell that implies I’m a fun person, and a wish that I hear from you soon. A warning/threat that I will follow up with another template email in a week if I don’t hear back from you. I hope at this point that you haven’t realized I’ve spent 30 minutes writing this, but not 30 seconds proofreading it.

-First name

Email signature with my full name, a title I don’t deserve, and clever use of punctuation like blackslashes between the digits of my phone number.

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Posted in Advertising, Creativity | No Comments »

If there were no ad schools, the One Show annuals still just might be enough.

Sep 17th, 2012 by

Hall of Fame copywriter Tom McElligott hired me as a copywriter in January of 1979. (Insert age joke here. “Ha, ha, that was so funny. No really, that I’m old and everything.”)

Aaaanyhoo, Tom didn’t have much work for me during that first month, so he parked me in a conference room with a three-foot-tall stack of award annuals; books full of the best advertising on the planet: the One Show and Communication Arts awards annuals (the December issues).

He told me to read them. “Read them all.”

He called them “the graduate school of advertising.” He was right, and I say the same thing to kids trying to get into the business today. You need to study these books. If you purport to be a student of advertising, you need to drop everything right now and go get a three-foot-tall stack of your own and read, read, and read.

Yes, I’m aware this is a business where we try to break rules, but as T.S. Eliot said, “It’s not wise to violate the rules until you know how to observe them.” More on that later.

Fact is, it’s entirely possible you could circumvent ad school entirely and create an interview-ready portfolio with nothing but these books and a whole lot of coffee.  Because you’d be studying The Masters, studying people way better than you are right now, people who have their craft down to an art and are at the peak of their creative powers.

The books are in fact expensive and so you’ll have to find them at libraries, used book stores, online, or through friends in the business. And while it’s possible to peruse the One Show’s archives online, perusing is defined popularly as “looking over in a casual or cursory manner.” I want you to peruse People magazine; the annuals you need to actually read.

Yes, you could see much of this work online, but to study it the way I’m talkin’ about, looking at stuff online this long will kill your neck. By studying I mean total immersion; curling up with a One Show annual for hours and hours and just inhaling the work. Concentrating on the work so hard that when the phone rings you come back from a daze, blinking as you adjust from the brilliance you’ve just left in the land where things are done perfectly, where spectacular ideas live one next to another. After swimming this deep and this long under a sea of brilliance, it starts to soak in and when you come out of the perfection, your fingers are wrinkled with creativity. This is how we learn. I don’t see any short cuts.

Now, there are people who say you don’t need award books and sometimes I’m one of them. Once you’ve learned the basics of the craft, once you’re in the business, well, at a certain point it is good to unmoor and sail into the unknown. I know plenty of ad superstars who disdain looking at books. All I can tell you is how I learned the craft, back when there were no ad schools. It was with these books.

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NOTE: The best awards shows in my opinion are the One Show and Communication Arts (its December issues), as well as the British D&AD annuals. For digital inspiration, you can peruse work at thefwa.com, the Webby’s and the SxSW interactive awards.

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Posted in Advertising, Creativity, Education | 7 Comments »

Nice list of advice on social media, from Fast Company.

Sep 4th, 2012 by

Not sure if the type is all legible, but still, it's a pretty nice little list.

Posted in Social Media | No Comments »

One of the best pieces of creative advice I was ever given.

Aug 28th, 2012 by

Anne Lamott is the author of one of my favorite books on writing – Bird By Bird. The title itself is one of the first lessons Anne gives us, in which she recalls having to write a long report about birds for school. She was daunted by the size of the project and finally in frustration asked her dad, “How am I ever going to write this?!?” And her wise father answered, “Bird by bird, Anne. Bird by bird.”

And so it goes with all of our creative projects, be it writing, art, or film.

Creative projects are daunting. In fact, the more we care about a project, the scarier it is, the larger it begins to loom over the measly 24 available hours in our day. Setting out, we begin to see all the wonderful angles we might explore, all those interesting byroads, and the creative mind, it runs down the road ahead of us, sees other wonderful roads which start to fork away, oh wow, they go in all directions, they multiply, they go fractal, kaleidoscopic and … we freeze. We tighten up and pull back.

This is when resistance to writing usually kicks in. Happens to me all the time. In fact, the way I procrastinate is to “do research.” Well, gathering material and backstory may, in fact, be an essential part of the problem-solving process, but I use it as a crutch or, rather, a hidey-hole.

“I can’t possibly begin to write this! Don’t you see how MUCH there is I don’t know?”

Recognizing that we are indeed resisting work is the first step. So we take a deep adult breath and tell ourselves, “It’s time to start, dear.”

Start … okay. Fine, start … but how? This big-ass project? It’s still here, spilled all over my desktop, its file folders obliterating the once serene screen-saver picture of the lake, the lake I’m never going to sit next to because of this damn project.  Fine! I’ll start! But where? Where do I start?

And again, Ms. Lamott comes to our rescue with another piece of calm and loving advice.

“Start from where you are.”

Wow.

When you think about it, how can we start anywhere else? We have to start from here. And yet most of us want to somehow maaaaybe just think our way down the road a piece, not far, you know maybe start mapping out the journey, just sorta get a grip on this dang thing, maybe also get the 30,000-foot view of all the different roads and, dammit, LET’S SOLVE THE WHOLE STINKIN’ THING RIGHT NOW! And again, our mental wagon train grinds to a halt before we even start west.

“Start from where you are.”

So, this is the piece of advice I have most loved. I remember using it recently while writing a book. A book seems pretty daunting, no? Well, it was for me. There it sat in my computer, non-existent, completely unwritten, with different chapters all screaming for immediate attention.

The thing is, there was one scene I’d recently been thinking about. I couldn’t wait to write this particular scene but the problem was this scene was from smack dab in the middle of the story. I can’t start there. Can I?

And I did.  I started exactly there. This scene, from waaaaay in the middle of the story, was the part I was most excited about writing, which made it exactly the right place for me to pick up the big project. I could worry about the opening chapters later. I could worry about the end later. But simply by picking up this one part that interested me, I was able to keep at it, to stay bent over my keyboard for the longest time; and enjoy doing it.

Thanks, Anne. And now I pass it on to you guys. See that part of your big project that’s the most interesting piece? Start there.

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Posted in Advertising, Creativity, Education | 25 Comments »

Airing Olympic-themed Commercials Versus Putting your Marketing Budget in the Toilet – A Comparison

Aug 13th, 2012 by

Over the course of my 33 years in advertising, I must’ve been handed a hundred “program ads” to write – you know, the kind of ad a company runs in an event program to express support for, say, the dizzying Everest of achievement of the local curling squad.

As a junior writer on such assignments, the first thing I did (after rolling my eyes) was look for some flimsy connection between my client’s product and whatever sport they were currently wasting money on.

 Football fans: Don’t pass up our low-interest checking account. No penalties and we’ll never hike the fee.

(Oh, I was a clever one, let me tell you.)

As my abilities improved, I managed to create ads that – though a bit more conceptual – were still basically a soccer mom posing as an ad.  (Who cares that Twin Cities Federal supports the Vikings?? Seriously? Does anybody care?)

Think it through, people. If you go to the trouble to make an Olympic spot with a swimmer swimming or a gymnast gymming, congrats, you’ve created background wallpaper made out of stock images printed in invisible ink on Saran Wrap; flimsy, without substance, boring, completely non-existent, and a waste of money.

(“Honey! Get in here!! There’s a commercial that’s got Michael Phelps swimming in slow motion, determination in his eyes, and who knows where this commercial is goin’? Will it be about excellence? Teamwork? Man, it could be ANYTHING!!)

Nowadays I am of the opinion that saddling a commercial with some sports theme – particularly one every other sponsor is using – is essentially shrouding your client in full camo and face paint; breaking the oldest rule in the book, the zig-when-they-zag one.

But, hey, wait a minute.

Perhaps there is some kind of competition going on? One I don’t know about – a competition where companies compete to see if their covert Navy-Seal-of-a-commercial can make it into and then out of America’s living rooms without anyone noticing a thing. If so, damn!, you got me guys! These spots are in-fuckin’-visible.

Wow. Okay, now that I’m onto your game, I have another idea. For the next Winter Olympics, all the on-screen actors oughta wear those white gilli suits, you know, the kind those cool sniper guys wear? The dudes would be Totes Inviz.

Just make sure you cover up the brand name on the gilli suits or you could accidentally end up selling something.

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NOTE: Just got a reply from a reader named Deven Nongbri who said, “Hey, I disagree. I loved those P&G ‘Mom’ commercials, with the moms watching the memories of their little kids in those Olympic settings.” Deven is dead right. One point for Dev. Still, can I argue that the Mom spot is the exception that proves the rule? Or maybe, like I’ve often said, rules are made to be broken. In any case, one for the Devster.

 

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Posted in Advertising, Commentary, General Crankiness | 12 Comments »

Pretty cool new podcast about all things advertising. And a few that aren’t.

Jul 9th, 2012 by

Hey folks: I had the nicest time in Orlando being interviewed on a fun podcast called Celebration of Imperfection.

Give a listen, maybe in the car. I really liked my interviewers, George Kedenburg the THIRD, and Steve Carsella.

Nice guys. And it’s fun listening to a podcast where the people are face to face. Sometimes that phone voice from a call-in bugs me.

(Here’s the iTunes link to podcast.) Hey, it’s my 100th post. And we’re giving away a car! Let’s see, I’m giving away Mike Hughes’s car! He is a super-star, so it makes it that much more special. The car is in Richmond so get it, you lucky winner. Woo hoo.

 

Posted in Advertising, Commentary, Thirty Rooms To Hide In | No Comments »

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